It’s hard to say when the first cock bomb was dropped on me. The one I remember, the one that was the Big Bertha of them all, occurred in church. I was perhaps nine or ten years old when Grandma invited the preacher over for “some cock after the service.” It was an innocent invitation for Grandma. It was a direct hit for everyone else. The preacher swayed and staggered, momentarily lost for words. He developed a stutter. I was old enough to know to run for shelter and so I hid under a pew. The adults around me leaned forward and rolled their eyes in Grandma’s direction. Grandpa continued his church nap. Preacher recovered, saying he had a previous engagement, but he was never the same after that. On Sunday he seemed to leer at the aisle end of the third pew where Grandma sat. In Grandma’s mind she had invited the old boy for a chicken dinner. He may have been thinking about something else.
From that point on, when food was being discussed and Grandma was in the room, I was a nervous wreck. I knew at any minute the conversation could turn to chicken, which Grandma would translate into COCK. The whole conversation would become a ticking time bomb. I developed a twitch. People thought I was a nervous child but I was just scared speechless! A drive by KFC would put me into convulsions! It was cock anxiety of a whole other kind!
Years later when my mother was in the hospital, we reminisced about life. I had completely forgotten grandma’s “cocky” ways when Mom reminded me.
“Remember when Grandma would invite people over for cock?” She asked. The words sat off an alarm in my head.
“Cock! Let the nervous tic begin!”
And so I sat there in the hospital twitching and shaking like some sort of addict, as Mom recounted our cock laden past. Nurses picked up the catchy “lingo” and spicy stories. Soon, the entire hospital knew they could hear a good cock story in room 109. Mom held court as I tried to convince everyone I was sitting in a vibrating chair. Someone said, “You should write a book.” So, I did. I hope you enjoy these cock tales.